


paper sky (i'd paint it with us)

by amazingannaisnotonfire



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Seventeen - Freeform, Soonhoon - Freeform, badly written angst tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-06-02 16:43:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6574030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amazingannaisnotonfire/pseuds/amazingannaisnotonfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you told me to write you love letters.<br/>so i did.<br/>what i didn't expect was for you to write thousands back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	paper sky (i'd paint it with us)

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry

Soonyoung was in high school when they came back.

All the little demons, the voices, he thought they were gone but oh no, they were hiding in the back of his head and as soon as they got a chance, they burst back into his life and _ruined it_ , causing _everything_ to crash down upon him and _fuck_ everyday was more unbearable than the last. He’d feel his own fingers dancing against his skin mindlessly and they’d press harder and harder like he was just waiting, _praying_ they’d magically do something. He survived junior year but can he even survive the first half of senior? 

At least, Jihoon says he can. But then again, he also says writing helps whenever a bad thought pops up in Soonyoung’s head. He hasn’t tried it but he couldn’t find any reason to. It seems pointless, lead against paper, is there even any real meaning to it? It doesn’t do anything for Soonyoung. Nothing does anything for Soonyoung, he thinks bitterly, during first period. He was doing it again, fingers against his wrist, leaving faint red lines and usually he’d leave them there but Jihoon grabs his hand from beside him, staring at him with a blank but dark expression. 

_Don’t_. Jihoon’s eyes screamed.

_I want to._ Soonyoung’s eyes weakly whispered back. 

 

“You don’t write them do you?”

“What?” Soonyoung’s startled, not by Jihoon joining him at the lunch table but by his words. Jihoon told him to write everything down a year ago. Why the hell would be bring it back now? 

“The letters. Or whatever. You don’t, right?”

“No. There’s no point-”

“Write them.”

“What? Jihoon-”

“ _Write them._ Fucking trust me, just this once, okay? Soonie, you always trust me. Why not on this?”

Soonyoung fidgets with his shirt sleeve that’s a size too big for him and he purses his lips, swallowing the growing lump in his throat. He feels his chest heave up and down. The room’s getting smaller. Everything’s becoming darker. He tries to whimper out a fuck but he can’t speak and his throat’s closing up; he wants to claw at his chest but he’ll know it’s going to attract attention. His eyes dart around and he accidentally meets with another student’s. He shuts them tight in hopes that everything will magically become okay.

_Why not on this?_

His breath comes out ragged and it sounds like he ran a mile.

_You always trust me._

_W h y n o t o n t h i s?_

“Kwon Soonyoung.”

His eyes shoot open again as soon as he feels a hand on his shoulder. He looks beside him and Jihoon seems to have moved. His eyes aren’t as hard as before, instead softer and more comforting. Soonyoung feels his heart decelerate. The room’s just as bright as before, sun peaking through the cafeteria windows. 

“I’m sorry, Soonie.” Soonyoung can practically feel the softness of Jihoon’s words and it’s like cotton candy words being thrown at you. No, not thrown, handed. They’re cautious and quiet, hushed and withered like he’s afraid anything can break him at this point. Kids are staring. Jihoon doesn’t seem to care. Soonyoung does.

“J-Jihoon… T-They-”

“Take a breath, baby.”

Soonyoung sucks in a big gulp of air and lets it out. “They… Are staring…” 

Jihoon pretends not to hear him and keeps his eyes on him. Soonyoung tries to return the eye contact but can’t bring himself to and the ragged breaths are back. 

“Who the fuck cares? You have me. Don’t worry about them. Okay?” Jihoon soothingly runs his hands up and down on the other’s back, slow and patient.

Slowly and uneasily, Soonyoung nods.

 

It’s fourth period study hall and Soonyoung is out of things to distract himself with. He finished two books in the past hour and all his homework has been complete. He’s left with pages and pages of blank paper. 

_Write them._

A voice echoes in his head and this time, it’s a familiar one, one that calms him down instead of riling him up. He fidgets with his pencil for a bit before coming to a conclusion.

_He wants me to write them?_ Soonyoung thinks confidently. 

_I’ll write them._

 

_**September 4th, 2016.**_

_**You told me to write, right? Well I’m writing. I told you I have nothing to write. Heh. That’s kinda stupid, writing that in the beginning of a letter, isn’t it? I know you’re worried. You’re worried even though you’re in a different class at the moment but that’s okay. At least I know you care. You always care don’t you? You care too much. All the time. I love you for that. I’m fine, okay Jihoonie? It wasn’t your fault. I react to a lot of things like that now. If there was no milk in the fridge, I’d probably have a panic attack then too. *insert laugh track here* I’m kidding, Jihoonie. I’m really okay. I’m 100% fine. And if I wasn’t, I’ll tell you. But that isn’t enough, is it? You want to understand how I feel. And you know no matter how many or what things you google, you wouldn’t understand me in particular.** _

_**Life just sucks in those exact moments. That’s all you need to know. <3** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung. (I kinda like the sound of that.)** _

 

The bell rings and Soonyoung’s off to fifth period. He folds the letter in his pocket and slips it in Jihoon’s locker when he passes it by.

 

 _He’s so stupid._ Jihoon thinks to himself, a mindless grin plastered on his face. _So, 100% stupid._ He reaches for a pencil and paper before scribbling down a few things in return. 

 

_**September 10th, 2016.** _

_**I haven’t written in 6 days. Is that a long enough period? I mean, it could be 7. A letter every other week. Don’t think you’d like that though, would you? Why do I have the feeling you’re actually reading this? You never mentioned it after. I stuffed the first one in your locker. Maybe you threw it away, like you do with all the other notes you get from random girls in different grades. I really hope you’re reading them.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung. (Still, really like the sound of that.)** _

 

Soonyoung stares at the letter. It’s shorter than before, and messier too. He’s really just trying his best not to be caught by his English teacher. He stops every three seconds to make sure nobody’s looking and usually, no one is. He erases the _Signed, Soonyoung_ and replaces it with what he really wants to say.

_**I really hate class. And high school in general. You know? It’s so stressful. I’d rather sit beside you all day. Let you teach me everything. I’d rather be at home. Dancing my little heart out. I can hear your voice scolding me right now. Voices. They’ve been gone for a bit? I haven’t done anything bad so far. I just need to survive the rest of the year. Right? And then, we’re off. To college. University. To work. I don’t want to go to any school after this. I just wanna lay in bed all day. And mourn at all the years I’ve lost. I feel so depressing right now. Sorry, Jihoonie.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung. (I don’t like the sound of this anymore.)** _

 

Jihoon swallows the lump in his throat as he rereads the last few sentences. He falls back onto his bed. Is he going to respond to this one? No, of course he is. Is he going to give it to Soonyoung though? Unlikely. _Lee Jihoon, you’re a fucking coward. He scolds himself. Just write back and put it in his locker. You could just slip it through the cracks. Or open it when no one’s looking. Is that what Soonyoung’s doing? Is he-_

_Just fucking write the letter._

Jihoon writes the letter. 

He doesn’t give it to Soonyoung the next day.

 

Soonyoung’s finger tap against his wrist this time, he doesn’t run them across his arms or legs and Jihoon would be proud. He hopes he is. The bell rings and Soonyoung practically jumps up from his seat, surprising not only him but everyone around him. He speeds out of the classroom and frantically searches for his counterpart, finding him standing in front of Soonyoung’s locker.

“Jihoon!” The smaller boy turns around, startled and quickly shoves his hands into his pockets. This makes Soonyoung frown. “What’re you doing, Jihoonie?”

“It’s- It’s nothing. What’s up? You seem happier than usual.” He nudges the other playfully, a smile dancing on his face.

“Aren’t you proud?”

“Of?”

“Me. Being happy?”

“I’m always proud.” Jihoon gives Soonyoung a smile, a genuine one and it makes Soonyoung stiffen. He holds his breath and returns the smile to his best abilities, red smearing across his cheeks. Jihoon walks off, waving and Soonyoung beings to open his locker. He’s expecting something to fall out. A note, that acknowledges his own notes but there’s nothing. 

Nothing but books and a thin coat.

 

_**September 15th, 2016.** _

_**No note back, huh? That’s okay. I’ll keep writing these anyway. I’m quite fond of them. You know what else I’m fond of? *drum roll* *explosions* *sunglasses* You. *wink wink* Okay, you have to respond after that, I swear. Are you even getting these? I hope you are. Do I have the wrong locker or something? Wait. ‘Course not. I’ve known you since forever. Of course I know your locker number. I’m happy today. The sky seems brighter. I’m lying, no it doesn’t it just seems prettier. But isn’t that what everybody says? ____ is brighter or prettier or whatever because oh wow, I’m happy. Seems like a load of bullshit to me. I like your smile. It seems prettier. And brighter. And more welcoming. I like it a lot. It makes me happy. You make me happy. I love you, you know that right? I guess I can say that now, since you probably don’t read these. Today was a lot better. A lot.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung. (Iffy, but I think I’m starting to like it again.)** _

 

Jihoon’s face is bright red during study hall and _fuck_ it’s all because of Kwon Soonyoung. _That little brat._ Thinks Jihoon as he writes his response. Hey, just because he’s not giving them to him doesn’t mean he can’t write it. I mean, how else is he going to spill his heart out? Songs take too long. Notes are the next best thing.

Soonyoung fiddles with the bandaid on his arm. He didn’t cut himself on purpose this time, or so he says. He was helping his mom with dinner and his hand just… Slipped. It freaked his mom out but that was okay. Soonyoung knows it wasn’t on purpose. His mom sent him to his room after that. To rest, she had claimed. Soonyoung knows she was just afraid that Soonyoung was getting bad again. He can feel all the student’s eyes burn into his arm. The cut wasn’t that bad but everyone made him feel like it is. He can hear their voices now.

_He’s cutting himself again?_

_God, attention whore._

_What the fuck is wrong with him?_

_Jesus Christ, I thought he was getting better._

_I thought I was getting better too._ Soonyoung thinks. He is getting better, isn’t he? He feels the tears sting his eyes as he begins to write again.

 

_**October 1st, 2016.** _

_**I cut myself. It wasn’t on purpose. I swear, it wasn’t. I was just helping and then my hand slipped and fuck Jihoon I can feel their eyes burn into me and I’m scared, where are you? You’re in the next class over but I feel you like you’re nowhere to be seen, I’m terrified, Jihoon, where are you? Fuck, I thought I was getting better too, I am aren’t I? Jihoon, am I getting better? Am I still that small boy that hurts himself and lets himself bleed, I’m not right? I’m not, Jihoon, I’m not. I can hear them. I can’t block them out. My heart’s beating faster. My head’s spinning. I’m going to fucking pass out. Jihoon fuck, I need to leave. I’m going to the nurse’s. Please don’t come. Please.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung. (I hate everything about those two words, fuck my life.)** _

“May I go to the nurse’s? Please, I can’t breathe.” Soonyoung wasn’t lying. His chest was heaving up and down and the clear look of distress on the teacher’s face made his ragged breaths worse. He didn’t wait for her to confirm it and left. The other student’s began whispering but Soonyoung shut his ears a long time ago. Or at least, tried to. Before he reached the nurse’s, he stopped, for the briefest second to jam the note in Jihoon’s locker.

 _God, please tell me I’m getting better. Jihoon, I have to be getting better._ Soonyoung slams the door behind him as he goes to lay on the white bed. 

 

 _You are getting better._ Jihoon repeats in his head, over and over again as the pencil touches the paper. You are. When Jihoon checks into Soonyoung’s next class to see if he’s there, his heart drops when he’s not. Fuck class. He declares, rushing over to the nurse’s even though Soonyoung told him not to. He doesn’t give a fuck anymore. If Soonyoung was hurt, then Jihoon will be hurt with him. 

 

“I told you not to come.” 

Jihoon’s surprised to even hear Soonyoung’s words come out of his mouth. He was lying on the bed, back towards the door and Jihoon could hear the shakiness of his breath.

“How’d you know it was me?”

“I know you.”

“And I know you.”

“You sure do.” Soonyoung sits up and Jihoon catches a glimpse of his face. He’s pale, whiter than snow, and his mouth is slightly agape, trying to breathe in as much oxygen as his lungs allow him. Jihoon takes slow steps towards him. He’s terrified. He finds it funny how _he’s_ the one terrified. Shouldn’t Soonyoung be the scared one?

“C’mere.” Soonyoung’s voice trembles and he sounds like he’s holding back sobs. Jihoon sits beside him and feels himself being enveloped in a hug. “I’m getting better, right Jihoonie?” He’s crying now. Jihoon can feel the tears soak in his uniform. He can’t find it in himself to care. 

“Of course you are.”

“Of course I am?”

“Of course.”

“Of course?”

“Of course.”

The exchange of simple words make Soonyoung chuckle, sending vibrations through Jihoon. 

“You okay?” Jihoon’s words are muffled, but Soonyoung hears them.

“Yeah. I’m okay.”

And as if those were the most inspiring words in the world, Jihoon suddenly has a million things to write. 

 

He writes them later that night, at 3 am with a cup of black coffee in his hand.

He wakes up the next morning at 10 am and has zero regrets or fucks to give. 

 

_**October 2nd, 2016.** _

_**You aren’t here today. I wonder why. Are you okay? It’s last period and I couldn’t stop worrying. I hope you’re okay. Where are you? Are you at home? I still can’t be sure if you’re reading these. You didn’t seem to react when I mentioned how I told you not to come. I don’t think I care anymore. I just enjoy writing these. You’d be proud. But then again, you’re always proud. Thank you.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung. (I think I like this a lot. Like, a lot.)** _

 

Jihoon reads the note on the 3rd and he has a bittersweet smile. He wonders if Soonyoung knows how much he worries about him too. 

 

_**November 21st, 2016.** _

_**I haven’t written in over a month. You don’t seem to mind. You never seem to mind. That’s great, honestly. You don’t care but you do care. You know what I mean? I’m rambling now. They said we should start thinking about what college or university we want to go to now. To get a headstart. I know you want to go to that School of Performing Arts. I don’t think I’m good enough to go there. I might just go to America or something. I think I will. We might have to split up. We probably will.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung. (It became more depressing.)** _

 

 _We might have to split up._ Jihoon isn’t stupid. He knows this. They can’t be together forever. They’ve been together since preschool. Their journey ends after high school doesn’t it? Of course it does. Of course. He hates those two words more than anything in the world. It’s two words that make everything seem like it’s set in stone or that it’s so obvious that anyone would know

He hates them. 

 

_**December 9th, 2016.** _

_**It’s almost the end of the year. Another year gone and another month closer to ending this whole thing. I almost don’t wanna end it. But that’s only because you’re here. I’m making everything harder aren’t I? I probably am. Probably is such a bitchy word. Probably. You’re not certain but you’re not completely unsure. Kinda like me, huh? If you could see me, you’d see me laughing at myself. I’ve learned to do that now. To laugh everything off. It feels nice. Really nice.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung.** _

 

He doesn’t comment on the _Signed, Soonyoung_ part anymore, thinks Jihoon. He feels like something’s missing from the letter. He rereads the words over and over until he finally sticks it in his coat pocket. The snow is falling from the sky at a steady pace. They land everywhere, trapping everything in a white blanket and it soothes Jihoon. He knocks on the door of Soonyoung’s house and stares at his hand. It’s pale and cold, snowflakes landing (and melting) on top of it. 

“Jihoon?” The boy’s words are muffled by the thick grey scarf rung around his neck and he steps out of his warm cavern, closing the door behind him. He yanks down the fabric covering his mouth and gives him a toothy grin. “Where are we going first?” He asks excitedly, like a kid at a candy store.

“Starbucks.” Jihoon explains simply. “I need my coffee.” He looks at his phone to check the time and it reads 9:58am, right above the two boy’s heads. They’re smiling in the picture in front of what seems to be a tree. They’re so lame. 

“You always need your coffee.” Soonyoung jokes, grabbing Jihoon’s frozen hand into his own. The contrast sends shivers down Jihoon’s spine and he feels himself melt into Soonyoung’s side, the warmth being too much for him. “You’re so cute.” His words are soft and Jihoon looks up, returning Soonyoung’s gaze.

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“That’s such a stupid saying too, oh my god.” 

Soonyoung laughs at that and it makes a Jihoon’s heart swell. 

 

_**December 13th, 2016.** _

_**I bought a shit ton of stuff that day. Most of it was for you, but you didn’t know. I shouldn’t even be telling you this. Whatever. You probably knew anyway, didn’t you? Probably. That word always comes up no matter what. Sucks, doesn’t it? You probably knew. We’ll probably split up. I’m doing it again, aren’t I? I’m being depressing again. Sorry. You probably knew that anyway.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung.** _

 

The next few months were a blur of medicine and therapy sessions and crying and hugging and kissing and Jihoon. He was the only good part about life now. Soonyoung knows he’s going to leave, so why is he getting so attached? He’s an idiot. At least, that’s what he thinks when he writes the next note. 

_**March 27th, 2017.** _

_**I didn’t have any time nor the motivation to write any notes for you. Is there any point anymore? Will you ever respond? I doubt it. I love you. I can never say it in real life, but fuck you know that right? I love you so much. You don’t even know. I love you so much whenever you hold me when I’m crying or how you laugh so hard to the point of losing your breath whenever I say something funny. I love you so much I don’t wanna lose you. I’m being depressing again. I love you. I said that already but I do. I really do.** _

_**I hope you love me too.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung.** _

 

When Jihoon got into a relationship with Soonyoung, he didn’t think it’d be this hard. He didn’t think he’d spend nights awake because he was worried about him and he didn’t think he’d feel so much heartache at the thought of losing him. He thought it’d be just like normal. Like when they were just best friends. But they’re not _just_ best friends anymore are they? No. They’ll never be just best friends again. It’s too late for that.

Jihoon regrets nothing.

 

Soonyoung regrets the little things in life. People say they’re happy for the little things in life but are they really? Soonyoung doesn’t believe them. He regrets every little thing that happens. The only thing he doesn’t regret is Jihoon and he’s beginning to question that as well. He thinks he questions it. He doesn’t seem to though, whenever small things happen between them. 

“Don’t you ever wonder how many stars there are?” Soonyoung whispers, grass pricking him ever-so-softly as he lays down. His backyard always has the best view. 

“No. There’s too many to count. Waste of time.”

“It’s not a waste of time.” protests the taller, turning to look at his boyfriend.

“I think it is. Did you ever hear that myth about people coming from stardust and remnants of fallen stars?”

“Of course.” Jihoon cringes. Soonyoung continues. “I love that myth. And it’s not a myth! It’s science!”

“Sure it is, Soonie.” He chuckles and everything’s quiet. The night sky is darker than ever, small specks of light dancing with a background of black and blue. 

“I wonder what my star was like.”

“It’d be bright. And colourful. Really colourful. It’d be the brightest one up there.”

Soonyoung blushes bright red and he thanks the gods that it’s dark. “I thought you said you didn’t believe in that stardust myth thing.” He teases, eyes still trained on the smaller.

“I don’t.” starts Jihoon. He turns his head to look at Soonyoung and he begins to talk again.

“But I believe in you.”

 

_**April 16th, 2017.** _

_**You said you believed in me. I believe in you too. You’re a better star than I am. A lot better. Brighter. Shinier. Is that why I love you so much? No. Not probably not. Definitely not. You’re more than just a stupid star. I should’ve written these sooner, huh? These are fun. It helps me a lot. Thanks, Jihoonie. I thanked you so much I think you’re getting tired of it. We have two months left. We need to make the best of it.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung. (I have a feeling this is one of my last “Signed, Soonyoung”’s ever. That makes me sad.)** _

 

It makes Jihoon sad too. 

 

“I don’t think I want to go to the School of Performing Arts anymore.” Jihoon practically vomits out the words during lunch and Soonyoung almost chokes. 

“What? What do you mean? You’ve been wanting to go there since sixth grade. Didn’t you send in your application already?”

“I can always decline them.”

“Oh, hell no. You’re not declining it. Why don’t you want to go anymore? Jihoon, if it’s because you don’t think you’re good enough, you are. I-”

“I don’t want to leave you.” Jihoon can’t face Soonyoung. His breathing is uneven and it’s like he understands Soonyoung now, even if it’s a fraction of how he usually feels. 

“Jihoon? Look at me.” 

Jihoon looks. Soonyoung’s eyes are soft and he feels small. Is this how Soonyoung always feels when this happens? God, Jihoon feels bad. 

“Don’t give up your dreams for me. I’m not worth it. Nobody is. Jihoon, we’ll always find a way back to each other. We always do, don’t we? Your ambitions shouldn’t revolve around us. It should revolve around _you._ ”

“I know it should. I don’t want it to.” 

Soonyoung gets up from his seat and sits beside Jihoon. It feels like deja vu, but they _know_ this hasn’t happened before. It’s always the other way around. 

 

_**April 29th, 2017.** _

_**Don’t.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung.** _

 

Jihoon stares blankly at the paper. He pretends like he doesn’t know what it means.

 

_**May 8th, 2017.** _

_**I have something for you today. I hope you like it.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung.** _

 

The notes become shorter and shorter. It saddens Jihoon. Like Soonyoung had promised, he had something for him. 

“Hey.”

“Hi. What is that?” asks Jihoon, smiling weakly. Soonyoung returns it. 

“A notebook.” Soonyoung hands him the black book and Jihoon opens it. The blank pages spark his interest and he feels the blood rushing in his veins.

“What for?”

“I don’t know. I saw it and I thought of you.”

“Thank you.” 

Soonyoung doesn’t respond. Jihoon doesn’t expect him to. He allows his eyes to trail away from the taller. When Jihoon looks up again, he’s not there anymore.

 

_**May 31st, 2017.** _

_**I have a feeling you’re actually using the notebook.** _

_**I’m glad. Really, fucking, glad.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung.** _

 

Jihoon’s mouth runs dry. What does Soonyoung have in plan? Everything seems perfectly normal but there’s something about Soonyoung. He can’t point it out but it irks him. Ever since he gave him the notebook, Jihoon’s been writing the notes in there instead of on miscellaneous scraps of paper. His own handwriting makes him cringe now. He regrets a few things. Soonyoung isn’t one of them.

 

_**June 6th, 2017.** _

_**We still talk but it’s not the same when you’ll be gone in less than a month.** _

_**I don’t think it’ll ever be the same.** _

_**Will we ever find each other again?** _

_**I don’t wanna tell you in person.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung.** _

 

“What do you think you’re doing?”

Soonyoung looks up at Jihoon with wide eyes. “What?” 

“What don’t you want to tell me?” Jihoon expects him to start crying, or even have a panic attack right then and there. Instead he laughs, bitter and full of regret. 

“So you have been reading them.” A sad smile is printed on Soonyoung’s face. It sends a pang down Jihoon’s chest.

“Of course I have.” 

“Of course.”

“What did you want to tell me?”

“It won’t matter.”

“What do you mean?”

Soonyoung gives him a wider smile but it’s still laced with sorrow. He looks him in the eye and his eyes are even worse than his artificial smile. 

“Don’t worry about it.”

 

_**June 7th, 2017.** _

_**God, I fucking love you. You know that by now. No, you don’t. I love you more than you think. You’re my fucking life, Lee Jihoon. I don’t think you know that. Well, now you do. I should tell you now shouldn’t I? Come over. Right before 10pm. Got that? I love you.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung. (Maybe that’s the last one. Or second last. I love you.)** _

 

Jihoon’s petrified at how many times Soonyoung says he loves him. It’s supposed to be heartwarming but it doesn’t feel heartwarming. Jihoon’s scared. He doesn’t want to leave anymore but he knows what Soonyoung would say.

He arrives at his house at 9:57pm. Soonyoung’s waiting for him at his windowsill anyway. 

“I’m three minutes early. Shouldn’t you be surprised I’m here so early?” jokes Jihoon as he rests on the tree branch. Soonyoung lets him inside his bedroom. 

“You’re always early. For me, at least. Thank you.”

“Stop thanking me like I’m doing something for you.”

“But you are.”

“I know.” Jihoon lays down beside Soonyoung on the bed and he feels the other boy cling onto him like a koala bear. He presses a gentle kiss on top of his head. He hears Soonyoung mumble something but it’s unclear. “What?”

“I’m gonna miss you. A lot.”

“I know.” repeats Jihoon. “I’ll miss you too.”

“Will you really?”

“Of…” Jihoon stops. “Course.”

“You really hate those words, don’t you?”

“Yeah. Not as much as I hate life.”

“Wow, emo kid, I thought I was supposed to be depressing.” Soonyoung laughs and it’s a real laugh, something Jihoon hasn’t heard in ages. He missed that a lot.

“Shut up, you fuck!” Jihoon’s laugh blends with Soonyoung’s and he wraps an arm around the older. 

They spend the night like this. Jihoon’s glad.

 

_**June 21st, 2017.** _

_**I love you.** _

_**Signed, Soonyoung. (A lot.)** _

 

Jihoon doesn’t know how to respond. It’s three simple words but it makes him tear up. His gaze is blank and blurred with the tears he doesn’t allow out. He shuts his locker and wipes his eyes. His walk is slower than usual when he heads to class. 

 

_**June 23rd, 2017.** _

_**Second last day, huh? I still love you. I’m scared.** _

 

Soonyoung doesn’t sign it with the regular sign off this time. Jihoon’s scared too. He’s scared of all the feelings he’s pouring out onto his own responses and he’s scared of all the feelings seeping through the notes that Soonyoung has given him. Jihoon shuts the black notebook tightly to make sure none of the notes fall out. He puts the _June 23rd_ note into the drawer beside him, along with the other ones. He has an urge to reread them, but he’s afraid they’ll just make him cry. 

He doesn’t want to cry today.

Or any day.

He doesn’t like crying.

 

The last day is always spent at home for the seniors. They earned it. Surviving the tough hell of high school. Jihoon spends it with Soonyoung, packing Jihoon’s bags. 

“You’re getting an apartment there?” asks Soonyoung as he folds Jihoon’s clothes like a drone. He has no emotion present in his voice or face.

“Yeah. We can always move in together there, you know.” Jihoon suggests hopefully. He knows the answer.

“I can’t. I already got accepted abroad. Remember?” Soonyoung gives him a mournful smile. 

“Why’d you apply so soon…?”

“I didn’t want to distract you. If we got an apartment together, I’d just get in your way of doing what you want to do.”

“You wouldn’t have.”

“You know I would’ve.”

“I know.” Jihoon stops folding and he watches Soonyoung continue. His nimble fingers work fast and it’s like he’s trying to rush everything so he can just leave already. 

“I have something for you.” Jihoon says quietly when Soonyoung finishes folding and packing up the last bag. 

“What is it?” asks Soonyoung, sitting down on the bed that has yet to be made.

“You can’t open it until you get home though, okay? Open it tomorrow too.”

“I’m assuming you mean after you’ve already gone?”

Jihoon winces. “It’ll… Be easier.”

“Sure it will.”

“Just, just take it.” Jihoon hurriedly shoves the wrapped gift into Soonyoung’s hands and it makes him laugh.

“Thanks Jihoonie.” Jihoon seems to melt into his words and Soonyoung smiles at that. It’s a warm smile, one that your mom gives to you when you take your first steps or say your first words. It makes Jihoon feel safe. He’s going to miss that.

 

The last time they’ll see each other is at an airport, filled with people and families and people. Soonyoung rubs his arms nervously and Jihoon places his own hand over the other’s.

“You okay, Soonie?”

Soonyoung gives him a reassuring smile. “I’m okay. Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Jihoon’s parents had left them alone, checking with the staff to make sure everything was fine. Jihoon’s going to miss them too. “Soonyoung?”

He cocks his head at the mention of his name. “Yeah?”

“I’ll miss you so much. I’ll Skype you every night, okay?”

“You won’t.”

“I can try.”

“I know you will. Thank you.” He whispers the last two words and moves closer to Jihoon. He presses his lips against the smaller’s. They stay like that for awhile.

“I love you.” Soonyoung whispers again and Jihoon’s heart palpitates. 

“I love you too.” 

Soonyoung declares that those were probably the best words they could leave off with. He doesn’t have a choice either as the announcements tell the entire airport that Jihoon’s flight was going to take off soon. The smaller boy shifts the weight from his left to his right side. He waves goodbye to Soonyoung but it’s half-hearted. Like he regrets something. 

Soonyoung regrets something too. 

It’s too late though, he thinks, as he watches Jihoon board his flight.

It’s too late.

 

He almost forgets about the gift. Can he even call it a gift? It’s wrapped in bright paper and it makes Soonyoung smile for a second. He removes the wrapping carefully.

It’s the black notebook.

Soonyoung’s confused. Did Jihoon not want it or something? Why didn’t he just tell him? He frantically opens the notebook and reads the opening letter.

 

_**Thank you. You’re probably freaking out aren’t you? I thought this would be a good thing to give you. After all, I never responded to anything. I responded to everything here. Thank you. For everything. Just read everything, won’t you? Thank you.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon. (I like it better when you write it.)** _

 

Soonyoung stops breathing. A lump is growing in his throat and he blinks rapidly to get rid of his tears. He flips to the back and discovers bits of paper and he unfolds them. He knows what they are now.

So he did respond, huh?

It’s tragic, thinks Soonyoung.

Real tragic.

 

_**September 4th, 2016.** _

_**You said it wasn’t my fault but it feels like it’s my fault. I’m so fucking sorry, I swear. I never mean to fuck up. I just do. I’m so sorry Soonie, god, I’m a fucking jerk. I promise I’ll never do anything like that again. I don’t want your life to suck because of me. Not when all you do is try to make me happy.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon.** _

__

_**September 10th, 2016.** _

_**I am reading them. I hope you keep writing them. Don’t regret anything. Even if you really want to. You do things for a reason. You do them because you think it’s right at the moment. I’m glad the voices are gone. You’re too pure for them. You’re too pure for this world. I wish I could make everything go away and stay away. I’m proud of you. So, fucking, proud.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon. (I wish you liked the sound of that. I like it. A lot.)** _

__

_**September 15th, 2016.** _

_**You’re an idiot Soonie. But you’re my idiot. I don’t think I’d have it any other way. I like your smile too. You always make me happy. No matter what. I wish I could do the same for you. I love you too. So much. You’re my entire world. Sounds cheesy but it’s true.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon. (Good.)** _

__

_**October 1st, 2016.** _

_**I know it wasn’t on purpose baby. You’re doing so much better. I love you so much, I’m so proud. I’m right there, sweetheart. Right there. I’ll be there soon. I’m going there no matter what you say. I’m worried. I’m always worried. I love you. Don’t do anything stupid. Please. I care about you too much to lose you. I’m coming Soonyoung.** _

_**Just wait.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon. (Don’t.)** _

_**October 2nd, 2016.** _

_**Yeah. I was at home. If you’re wondering why it says 2nd, it was because I wrote it in pen by accident and couldn’t erase it, so I mean, fuck it right? I hope that made you smile. You know me too well. I’m so proud.** _

_**So proud.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon. (I like it a lot too.)** _

__

_**November 21st, 2016.** _

_**I don’t want to split up. I don’t want to lose you. You’re too important to me. I don’t want to.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon. (I don’t mind.)** _

 

Soonyoung has to stop reading them for awhile. His breathing is irregular and there’s too many tears slipping out of his eyes to actually read everything properly. Sobs slip out of his mouth and he regrets everything and nothing all at the same time. He calms himself down before opening the next note.

 

_**December 9th, 2016.** _

_**I guess I’m not the only person that hates a word or two with a passion, hm? At least you’re laughing. I hope you’re okay. Don’t do anything stupid. Why am I writing this like I’ll actually give this to you?** _

_**Signed, Jihoon.** _

__

_**December 13th, 2016.** _

_**You looked like you had so much fun. Good. You’re a loser. You should’ve spent more on yourself. Don’t worry about being depressing. It’s you. And I love you. Scratch that. You’re not depressing. It doesn’t define you. You’re you, Soonie. You’re not depressing.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon.** _

__

_**March 27th, 2017.** _

_**I love you too. Of course I know you love me. I hate those words. Of course. But you know that already. I don’t wanna lose you either. You’re never depressing. You’re just being real. I love you so much, Soonyoung. So, so much. If I could, I’d just lay with you forever and let the world pass on us. I love you.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon.** _

_**April 16th, 2017.** _

_**I’ll always believe in you. I doubt that I’m a brighter star than you. I told you you should’ve written these earlier. I’ll never be tired of you, god. You’re so fucking perfect. I’d never get tired of perfection. I should be thanking you. Not the other way around.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon. (It makes me sad too.)** _

__

_**April 29th, 2017.** _

_**I want to.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon.** _

__

There aren’t anymore notes and Soonyoung flips to the front, finding the rest of them written on the used-to-be blank pages of the notebook. 

__

_**May 8th, 2017.** _

_**I loved it. I love you.** _

_**Thank you.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon.** _

__

_**May 31st, 2017.** _

_**I’m glad too.** _

_**Thank you, again.** _

_**I hope you’re okay.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon.** _

__

_**June 6th, 2017.** _

_**I know it’s not the same, baby. I’ll make sure we find each other again. Trust me.** _

_**Don’t you trust me?** _

_**Signed, Jihoon.** _

__

_**June 7th, 2017.** _

_**You’re everything to me. Don’t you know that? I love you so fucking much. I love you even more. I think last night has been my best memory so far this year. You might think it’s sad. I don’t.** _

_**I love you too.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon. (I hope it’s not the last one.)** _

__

_**June 21st, 2017.** _

_**I love you too. Why aren’t you writing more?** _

_**Signed, Jihoon.** _

__

_**June 23rd, 2017.** _

_**I still love you too. Love you so much. Why are we doing this? You’re always scared.** _

_**So am I.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon.** _

__

Soonyoung flips the page. He doesn’t expect anything to be there, but there is. 

__

_**???** _

_**I don’t know what day it is today. I just feel sad. And tired. I don’t wanna get up. All I wanna do is write to you. I think that’s what I’ll do. Write to you. And give them to you when we meet up again. Did you think I forgot? I’d never forget. You’re hard to forget, Kwon Soonyoung. I love you for that. I think my flight’s today. Sucks, huh? Yeah. I know. Don’t forget me, okay Soonie? It’ll break my heart if you forgot me. I’d understand if you wanted to, though. I love you so much. Please don’t do anything stupid. Just wait for me, okay?** _

_**Just wait.** _

_**Signed, Jihoon. (I love you.)** _

 

Soonyoung’s mouth closes as he tries not to let another sob escape. He clutches the black notebook tightly. He’ll wait, he thinks.

I’ll wait.


End file.
